2014 – 1955 = 59

39 years.  I have been carrying something I should have dealt with and worked through about 20 years ago.  Though I still carry it around and it is quite heavy.

“Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit , and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again”  Rosa Parks said, and yes, I have.  The place tries to heal a bit, is still raw but I am used the pain so I don’t feel it any more.  Once in a while, the place reminds me that it is still there and I remember how the pain feels like.  I don’t have any intention to associate my own personal experience which I haven’t done shit about to make it better to Rosa’s courageous action.  However, it is comforting to know Rosa felt the same way that I do.

Rosa Parks did not give in.  She said, “No, the only tired I was, I was tired of giving in.”  I did.  I gave in.  I let them do whatever they want because it was easier for me.  It must have been easier for Rosa to move to the back of the bus, but she didn’t because she was not giving in.

In 1955, Rosa Parks didn’t give up her seat on the bus.  She may not have meant to do something extraordinary by that action but it brought significant impact to the United State and other countries 59 years ago.  It has been 59 years.  What’s astounding is that we still are not able to leave behind what Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King Jr., Ralph Abernathy, Malcolm X and most importantly, those who never gave in did back then.  Heartbroken and angering incidents happen almost every single day.

In 1975, it started and lasted for 12 years.  I was sitting the back of the bus.  I gave in, have been scared and been running away from it.  I have been letting it haunt me whenever it wants to. About 3 weeks ago, my mother called and let me know one of main people I have been running away from called her.  I am 4,800 miles away from those people and I should be safe.  But how did I react?  I froze. Immediately I put my invisible shield on and tried to hide from it.  What baffles me is that I am still doing the same shit since 1975.

I don’t think I can do this without my best friend.  He never leaves my side and does nothing but comfort me and let me know it is going to be OK.  With him and Rosa Parks, I will need to face it and forgive.  It sure is scary but one day I must, as Rosa did not give up her right to sit wherever she wants to on the bus.  I have the right to live sorrow-free life.

“Each person must live their life as a model for others” – Rosa Parks